Child Craft

Ever since your child entered school he has been learning that the group is something to be reckoned with. Always, part of his concern was to be accepted according to the group standards set by the neighborhood play group or his schoolmates. In the preteen period, however, what was perhaps a marginal problem suddenly becomes an essential adjustment.

The most important part of the world used to be the child’s family. Suddenly, the “kid culture” of the neighborhood takes over. Now the important thing in the child’s life is to be in line with the code of his peers, even at the cost of considerable open conflict with the family.

During the preteen period, the gang may become more important than the family

Parents become “The Adults”
Many parents report that what hurts most during the preteen period is the peculiar way in which preteens cut off whatever relationships have existed between them and their parents by suddenly making their parents “The Adults“. You know that they know better, that they love you, but – especially in public – they treat even your fair demands as angrily barked insults from an enemy. In fact, once your child has shifted you from the role of parent to the role of “The Adult”, nothing personal may remain. You may become two power agents in battle.

You may happily suggest to your daughter that she have some of her friends over for a party. Her comment : “Where will you be ?” You stammer something about being somewhere in the house and assure your offspring that you will not intrude on her fun. You get the rejoinder, “But we don’t want any Adults around.” It is hard to accept the fact that to your own child you are suddenly an archenemy. Of course, you should take consolation in the fact that not all preteens react so dramatically.

Your child‘s attitude is normal. In fact, the more a youngster is “attached” to you, the heavier is his need to defend himself against you – or his attachment to you. It is often the very loving and beloved parent, the very cordial teacher, who bears the brunt of his puzzling behavior. and although it is easier to understand than to bear, do not take it personally. The battle stance between your child and you as “the authority to be challenged” does not mean that his relationship with you deteriorates permanently. It only means that, in certain moments of his life, he perceives himself as a member of the preteens. And that leaves you in the role of “The Adult“.

Most preteens experience such moments frequently. There is no reason for concern unless the experiencesbecome so all-inclusive that no personal relationship remains between parent and child.

Experimenting with lipstick is normal for a preteen girl but may cause conflict with parents.

Secrecy
Another way the preteen may try to cut you out of things is to have secrets. Girls, especially, may tease you by mentioning something somebody said or did, and then clam up if you want details. The youngster who previously ran to you with every little concern now cuts you off. Inquiries about what happened at school are met with a curt “Nothing”.

The secrecy has reasons, though, and is part of the normal preteen trend. Partly, it is the preteen’s need to have a domain safe from adult invasion. The content of a secret may be irrelevant. It is the fact of having one that counts.

Even some of the preteen’s need to collect things and keep these things in his pockets or dresser drawers is part of that need to have his own domain. For example, if you try to get his stamp or coin collection quickly transformed into a well organized enterprise, you may ind that he loses interest in the hobby. It has become family domain instead of something he can deal with in his own way.

Related to the need for secrets is the fact that at this age communication often comes easier with other adults than with parents. This does not mean that your child has lost confidence in you. It is simply typical.

Picking up the dare
During the preteens and teens, even the most wonderful youngster may become extremely vulnerable to the compelling illogic of a dare. Under certain conditions a preteen must pick up a dare, no matter how silly, dangerous, disgusting, or obnoxious it is. If he does not pick up the dare, he loses honor in the eyes of the group.

Picking up te dare is seen most clearly in the older teen ager. In the preteens, the kind of dare children are exposed to is not so easy to recognize, but plays as heavy a role. A preteen may, for example, accept a dare to put thumbtacks on the teacher’s chair, talk dirty in public, thumb his nose at an adult, or talk back to an adult.

Dare situations may develop even when the gang is not around. Psychologically, the preteen may feel that the gang is looking over his shoulder. If the way you scold him or demand compliance seems to constitute an unwritten dare, he may suddenly become silly, stubborn, fresh, or defiant. He then becomes an actor in a show put on for the benefit of the bsent group. He has to accept the dare or he will violate the code that governs his actions.

In dealing with a dare, avoid “extraneous reasoning”. Do not resort to, “your cousin Janice doesn’t wear lipstick, or ” when i was a boy, i never would have done that”.

A preteen must pick up a dare. If he does not, he loses honor in the eyes of the gang.

Fortunately, only a few situations at a time become loaded with this dare vulnerability. In all other areas the child remains as reasonable, or at least as easy to influence, as he was before. For one youngster, being asked to put on galoshes or warm underwear may be an unbearable demand; for another, an axious admonition to be sure he does not climb a tree or talk back to his teacher is an unbearable challenge. For another, mother’s concern about lipstick, tabel manners, or language may be it. And what is “it” also changes from time to time.

These dares, although changeable, are fairly easy to identify. A more important concern, and one that is not easy to satisfy, is just what constitutes a dare when your preteen is alone with his gang. For if he shows signs of disturbing behavior, or if he is having unusual trouble at school, you will want to know if he is acting out of response to a dare or if he has a basic a problem. Your child’s teacher or school counselor may help you answer this difficult question.

If your youngster is heavily dependent on what you consider the bad standards of his group, the worst thing you can do is preach against them. This is considered an additional dare to show his loyalty to his friends, in spite of knowing better and being sure that you are right. Strengthening your child’s own judgment and awareness is the only safe way to help him along, but this is a long time job. Remember that success is not achieved overnight.

Many preteen girls want to get a boy friend, and many preteen boys want a girl friend. But this is only a game that seldom develops into anything serious.

Face Saving
Many minor issues of daily life, such as schedules or your suggestions about what clothing to wear, may put a youngster into a situation where he is afraid of surrendering too openly to adult demands. Immediate and any easy acceptance of adult orders some how reminds him too much of early childhood years. Even though he realizes that your demands are perfectly reasonable, he still has to fight before surrendering. It is honorable to surrender after battle, but simply giving in is cowardly and childish. This has nothing to do with the question of your youngster’s love for you and respect for your values. He needs to maintain pride in his own decision making powers.

In fact, just to have the proud feeling of doing the right thing, your youngster may do what you suggested “on his own”. He can only achieve this feat if he first refuses to do it, and then does what you want because he himself “decided” to do it on his own.

Any mother who has ever sponsored a Cub Scout meeting may remember that her own child behaved the most poorly. The reason for his bad behavior was simply that obeying mother in public can be construed by the gang as childish. The only way to show that he is no longer hanging onto mother’s apron strings is to defy her openly. Stop your child’s behvior or tolerate it – but do not discuss it in front of his friends.

The need to show up well in the group does not end with the preteen period. The preteens merely start practicing it. In many cases it will be with them, and you, all thorugh the teen age years. And, sorry to say, it is likely to get worse.

When preteen gather, they may not want “the adults” intruding at their parties.

Toughness
A young child, when having a problem, seeks refuge in a friendly adult apron. If a serious problem hits a teen ager, he longs for the friendly shoulder of an understanding adult. Most preteens want neither. Or if they do, they would rather be “caught dead” than admit it.

The informal preteen group code views any friendly talk with an adult as childish, sissyish, and cowardly. Also, according to preteen philosopy, trouble is a source of pride, not shame. You do not have problems as a preteen.You cause problems for others. Then they cause problems for you, so you fight back or take it. It may be hard to take, but it is better to go under in glory than to ask for help or advice.

Preteen Love
Love in the preteen years is like a game. And it is a game that almost every preteen in the group plays. Preteen girls spend much time trying to get a “boy friend”, and many preteen boys are busy trying to find a “girlfriend“. But these friendships seldom blossom into love.

Most preteen boys and girls do not see the person of the other sex as a love object in the way that will become apparent in adolescence. There are, however, many exceptions to this, and a semblance of being in love may become apparent from time to time. But preteen boys generally consider girls merely as members of the other sex. Girls are acceptable, or not primarily on the basis of the same criteria by which anybody else is acceptable to the group. Girls operate in the same way, but they quickly tire of boys their own age and develop “crushes” on older boys in higher grades.

During these years, boys and girls still consider each other “closed groups”. The importance of getting a girl friend or a boy friend is in winning the game. then a girl can tell her less fortunate girl friends that she has a steady, that she is in love. And the boy can go bragging to his buddies. Probably all the boy does is carry the girl’s books home from school, or go skating with her – accompanied by the group. Left alone they might well have a hard time carrying on a five minutes conversation.